My two favorite sociopaths

I may be watching a little too much television, but screw it. This is the only way for me to get over disappointment and gain some form of respect for myself. I’m no psychologist, but I think I’m a sociopath.

According to wikipedia, these are the symptoms of sociopaths:

·        Persistent lying or stealing (Well, not always)

·        Recurring difficulties with the law (I study the law, and I have due respect for it.)

·        Tendency to violate the rights and boundaries of others (Do I?)

·        Substance abuse (I don’t do drugs. I eat a lot though. So sue me.)

·        Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights (Yes.)

·        A persistent agitated or depressed feeling (dysphoria) (Yeah, I feel that sometimes too.)

·        Inability to tolerate boredom (Yep, I do have that, so I just sleep my way through boredom)

·        Disregard for the safety of self or others (Not intentionally)

·        A childhood diagnosis of conduct disorders - this is not a symptom but “a history of” (No. I was a good kid. I killed cats though.)

·        Lack of remorse, related to hurting others (Hurting others? No.)

·        Superficial charm (Yeah. Probably)

·        Impulsiveness (Definitely)

·        A sense of extreme entitlement (Conceited? Somehow)

·        Inability to make or keep friends (I have friends. But, yes, I have an inability to make them.)

·        Recklessness, impulsivity (I already said yes.)

After reading these articles, I suspected myself of becoming a sociopath. I considered that it may not be that bad and that it could probably help me out sooner or later, which brings me to my two sociopathic role models Light Yagami and Dexter Morgan.
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God’s Words

Evan Baxter: I know. You’re doing this because You love me. Do me a favor.. love me less.

September 12 has been a special day for me since 2nd Year College. It was the day I was recognized by someone who actually liked me, cared for me otehr than my family. i will always remember that sweet word: ‘Ikaw”. Sadly, life has its ways of ruining a person. It was just yesterday that I heard perhaps the harshest, most cruel words ever: “get out of my life.”

I always stuck by my bestfriend. I have to admit that we always had fights, misunderstandings and what-not. But yesterday was what made me so confused, hurt and utterly left wondering “What happens next?”. It had something to do with an issue of my best friend. It wasn’t much of an issue actually. I mentioned it to a few people, those that I trusted, but unfortunately, just like all secrets, it got revealed. I was just seeking comfort from the feeling of betrayal. I was hurt, I didn’t mean to do anything bad. And I learned that I should always use my brain first before my heart. Now it’s the reason why my bestfriend loathes me today. How could this be? I concede that I did something wrong, and I apologized. I mean, the anger she’s feeling today is the anger I felt back then too. I wish there was something I can do. Something that would both ease her and my pain. But all I can do is wait and make my blog an avenue for my hurt. It’s enough that she hates me, but does it have to be this symbolic? I mean, I was worng, I conceded to that. I guess I can’t help it if she’s mad at me. But why this way? Why say goodbye? I’m trying not to get emotional about it. Like what Ms. Tabin said before, focus on the Word of God. God speaks through certain avenues, He moves in mysterious ways. But how? How can this happen? What is God trying to tell me? Why am I asking all these questions when I’m supposed to be in our Corporate Law class right now (wala pa pala si sir)?

It was September 12 that she admitted she had feelings for me, and it was also September 12 that she “ended” our friendship. I don’t want to do that. She’s the first person outside of my family that made me feel special, in terms of appreciation and acceptance. She was the first to recognize my importance and existence, not my 1st GF who dumped me.

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Contemplatable Suicide

I always wondered what was going on inside a suicidal person’s mind. I was also curious about the inner workings of a masochist’s head. I thought all the while that these people are in need of professional help and are seriously . Then I realized the existence of emotional masochists. I’m also beginning to understand their self-inflicted struggle because surprisingly, I am one. I am not an “emo”, or what the general public percieves emo to be. But I guess I’m trying to understand how they’re feeling, regardless of the reason why they’re feeling it. I now realize that the emo person is to be understood and cared for, it is the emo mindset and culture that needs to e screwed. “Hate the sin, ot the sinner.”

I always told mself that in martyrdom, there is honor. For me, it was one of the most valiant virtues a person could ever posses. But, as life progressed I’ve been getting messages of the synonimity of martyrdom and stupidity. In life, love and in social existence. 

Yesterday, my sister had a checkup because she’s been sick since wednesday. She was found to have symptoms of dengue but luckily, her platelet number didn’t concede to that. So I was trying to assist her in and out of the clinic, made a call to our mother about her. Genuinely, I was cocerned so I tried to insist that she go home. She had a dance performance yesterday, friday, and insanely eough, she was hellbent on attending that event. I told her “Are you insane?! That’s not going to help you at all! You better go home.” All I got was a nasty reply. She told me to go away. So I thought to myself, “all I was trying to do was help”, guess she didn’t know what I was thinking.

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Show-and-Tell I

For my first show-and-tell, I would like to introduce our family’s dog:

Courage!

He’s an American Bulldog, with a white coat with a few blotches and a pink nose (well, just look a the picture).

American Bulldogs are energetic dogs when the time arises and love playing around with children. They are also very observant and calculating. (more…)

Here’s something I bet no one would reply to

Okey, here’s a situation I heard from my former friend.

You want to enter this art gallery exclusive to members only. In front of the door stands a guard. A password is required to gain access to the gallery.

A tries to get in but is stopped by the guard. The guard says “12″. In reply, A said “6″.

Now you realize that this is SOP to authenticate whether someone’s a member or not.

B tries to enter, but before that has to bypass the guard with a password. The guard says, “6″. B replies saying “3″.

Okey, now you want to enter. You make your way to the entrance and is confronted by the guard.

He says “10″

Now, what’s the password?

Clue: It’s not a 5.

It was a dark and rainy night

Well, Friday was quite a day for me. It was a typical day, except, I didn’t talk to anyone too much. My bestfriend wasn’t in school because she was in the Leadership trainig seminar in Cavite. I got to school at around 4pm, so there really isn’t anything to do but listen to fisc. Jessie Bautista and his stories.

Fiscal’s stories are funny but very senseful. There was always something to learn behind our smiles and his squinting eyes. I would recount his stories, but I couldn’t recall them at the moment. Perhaps maybe in some other posts, I may dedicate for our LS professors.

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There’s something wrong with Friendster

There’s something wrong with my friendster account. I think someone must’ve reported me for abuse or something. Well, my opinions will still be posted here. Whatever I said, I said to fill your brains with knowledge.

Anyways,

Just like what Chester in the Fairly Oddparents said:

“We will not be silenced!”

Peace!

Oh great.

Quit, don’t quit. Noodles, don’t noodles. You think too much of what was and what will be. There is a saying: 

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.

-Master Oogway, Kung Fu Panda

Yesterday was a really tough day. It was the launching of the JGU Orientation seminar, and as the event’s head, I had to run each and every errand relevant to it. Reservations, Excuse letters and “human resourcing”.

First thing that I had to deal with was the unreliability of my “committee”. I asked several times that he assist me, but it was impossible, he wouldn’t reply, he wouldn’t even tell me that he can’t help. I asked him several days ago to do so, but he woudn’t listen. It is in this scenario that I learned that no matter how much you know a person, there is always a lot more to know from him. He did make up for his unresponsiveness and unreliability at the last minute when he fetched our guest speakers from the school gates.

Second thing I had to deal with was financial burden. Okey, I know we feel it all the time, but this time, I felt it’s presence deeply. It was like I was financial burden’s best friend. I had to print colored pages for letters and posters. Before I knew it, I had PhP10.00 left in my pocket and I had to borrow from my bestfriend to get home. But borrowing didn’t help either. I’ll explain further later on.

Thirdly, I had to deal with disappointment. Most of the students didn’t come to the orientation, and I felt shame on the part of the guest speakers.

Ms. Lourdes Estonanto and Ms. Jennifer Ignacio were the guest speakers of the said event, and they brought with them food for 60 people (upon my request). Sadly, only 23 came. In my frustration, I asked the Batch representatives to give me a list of the students who didn’t attend. I said I’ll do more than just penalize them or ask for fees. I’ll post their names in the bulletin board and make sure that all shame shall fall upon them.

After the orientation, we had a meeting regarding the LS Bonding day thing and otehr concrens. After which, things got lighter because the 2nd years treated mi in a game of DOTA. It was fun, 1-1, but it was a treat, so either way, I won. (more…)

The Taekwondoin in me

In view of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, I would like to share my feelings towards one of my most favorite sports.

Taekwondo literally means the art of kicking and punching. I’ve been trained under its tenets until I reached my advanced Yellow belt status. Alas, that was probably the last belt status I could achieve. Probably, hey I might come back if my wallet proves to be deep enough.

It’s been more than a sport to me. It was a way of life. It was a way of getting over rejection (my sparring partners could attest to that), and a good way to lose some calories and fats.The first time I trained was when I was in 2nd grade. I was always being bullied by my classmates back then, and I wanted to fend them off somehow. They would always call me a fattie, a pig and a loser. So I tried to train my ass off in that summer program.  It would’ve been productive, but my teacher didn’t always show up, so we got a refund. That was the first time I learned how to defend myself. The first time I made physical contact (aggressive physical contact/ injurious), which was to mold my fight-picking attitude in the years to come. I stopped immediately after the summer program and the next time I trained would be in my high school years.

My second time was in my 2nd year high school days. It was also during summer time, out of the want to do something besides wreck our place and cleaning up afterwards. I was really burning some hormones off this girl who rejected me. To my adavntage, I used that rage in my training. During those days, my teacher pushed me off the edge. He made me feel intense pain like I’ve never felt it before. And I loved every minute of it because I knew that I was gaining something. Besides aching joints and muscles, I was gaining a new sense of respect for myself. I also got to meet new friends, and perhaps, maybe the first time strangers acceptance of who I really am. But that’s beside the point. The tagline I got from my teacher that meant a lot to me: “Show love for your opponent. Destroy.” All the while, I thought he just wanted me to kick some sorry ass. But it was beyond that. We were a team. And if we wanted to achieve something we’d have to help each other by showing each other our weaknesses and flaunting to each other our strengths. It was more than just senseless violence, it was camaraderie, with a twist. Another great thing about it is that I LOST some WEIGHT! Really! It’s a great way to shake off some pounds and some aggression. It was also one of the first times I faced real disappointment. I almost got KO’d by Emmanuel Anthony. My mouth bled and as I was washing my face, no one noticed the tears that fell. I was walking home limp and felt like a loser. I moved on though. (more…)

Smiling with your eyes

I’ve heard that smiling with your eyes was possible.

How?? I’d want to learn to do that.

 Yun lang. Wala akong mapost eh.

Just the two of us

This is a story of a boy whose dad was a superhero.

From the first time the doctor placed you in my arms

I knew I’d meet death before I’d let you meet harm

Although questions arose in my mind, would I be man enough?

Against wrong, choose right and be standin up

His father was the most dedicated man, attending to his every whim. His father loved him like no other,

From the hospital that first night

Took a hour just ta get the carseat in right

People drivin all fast, got me kinda upset

Got you home safe, placed you in your basonette

That night I don’t think one wink I slept

As I slipped out my bed, to your crib I crept

Touched your head gently, felt my heart melt

Cause I know I loved you more than life itself

Then to my knees, and I begged the Lord please

Let me be a good daddy, all he needs

Love, knowledge, discipline too

I pledge my life to you.

At age 5, the boy was playing with a box of matches in his family’s sari-sari store. Unfortunately, he accidentally set fire on a set of brooms. The fire spread quickly,  and he was quickly caught in the fire. But before the fire consumed him, he felt God’s safety through big arms that embraced him out of danger. His mom scolded him affectionately, but his dad just held him tighter, realizing that his son was safe. The scars of that fire would remain as the son grew, but the love he felt would remain as well.

Five years old, bringin comedy

Everytime I look at you I think man, a little me

Just like me

Wait an see gonna be tall

Makes me laugh cause you got your dads ears an all

Sometimes I wonder, what you gonna be

A General, a Doctor, maybe a MC

Haha, I wanna kiss you all the time

But I will test that butt when you cut outta line, trudat

Uh-uh-uh why you do dat?

I try to be a tough dad, but you be makin me laugh

Crazy joy, when I see the eyes of my baby boy

As he grew, his dad’s strictness did too. The father never ceased to advise his son on everything. But, perhaps out of disappointment or the utter bitterness of life, the father grew cold and resorted to alcohol for comfort. But despite that, his father kept watch on him, advised him.

I pledge to you, I will always do

Everything I can

Show you how to be a man

Dignity, integrity, honor an

An I don’t mind if you lose, long as you came with it

An you can cry, ain’t no shame it it

Now, all families have a dark secret. No family is exactly perfect. There are times that his father and mother would fight. Often, due to financial reasons, others due to attitude problems. But the father continued loving his wife, and his family for that matter. The couple stayed together for the sake of their fruit.

It didn’t work out with me an your mom

But yo, push come to shove

You was conceived in love

So if the world attacks, and you slide off track

Remember one fact, I got your back

The father tried so hard to be a good father. But the pressure was too much, and sometimes, he had to turn to something. Alcohol, his kryptonite, was his option. He resorted to it. Slowly killing him, making him weaker by the moment. But that sort of pain was the thing that was keeping him from the pain of not being able to provide for his family. Little did he know, that he was also hurting his family, his daughters, even his sons that he loves so much. Often acting violently against the son that he saved from the fire.

It’s a full-time job to be a good dad

You got so much more stuff than I had

I gotta study just to keep with the changin times

101 Dalmations on your CD-ROM

See me-I’m

Tryin to pretend I know

On my PC where that CD go

But yo, ain’t nuthin promised, one day I’ll be gone

Feel the strife, but trust life does go wrong

The son felt so hurt. He often looked to other people for comfort, for understanding, for love. He searched for the arms that saved him from the fire. Comfort from the opposite sex. But it did not work, instead, it left him even more miserable than before.

But just in case

It’s my place

To impart

One day some girl’s gonna break your heart

And ooh ain’t no pain like from the opposite sex

Gonna hurt bad, but don’t take it out on the next, son

The boy, now in his final year in college, is now struggling with the fact that his superhero was dead. The arms that once saved him was gone. He is now trying hard to understand what his father is going through. Praying silently, crying inside. He has his mother, his brothers, his sisters, his friends and everything else that God has given him. But a part of him is gone. Though he still has his father, he misses the superhero he once knew. And often, before he sleeps, he just wishes that he died in that fire. But God knows better than to let that happen.

Throughout life people will make you mad

Disrespect you and treat you bad

Let God deal with the things they do

Cause hate in your heart will consume you too

Always tell the truth, say your prayers

Hold doors, pull out chairs, easy on the swears

You’re living proof that dreams do come true

I love you and I’m here for you

“Honor thy father and thy mother.”

This was the story of a boy who lost his superhero.

Incorruptible

“..the public might resort to vigilante justice.” 

 Fireworks explode at CA probe by Mike Frialde

The Philippine Star, August 9, 2008 (p.3)

Everyone knows the scandal that the CA is facing right now. So, in view of these scandals, I would like to express my emotion towards it.

 I thought that the judiciary was the only branch of government that’s free (or at least at a minimal level) from the clutches of corruption. I (as always) have though wrong. It is also tainted. The very institution I hope to enter, one that serves the cause of justice, has been darkened by issues of bribery.

Lies. All lies.

It’s no wonder people these days have a tendency to resort to primitive ways of attaining justice.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

The unwithering flower

This Japanese song is from the anime “Full metal Panic” and is sung by Mikuni Shimokawa.

The vocals were really great and the rythm was catchy. What is most sublime about this song is the message.

Here’s the japanese text:

Kokoro ni chiisana hana ga saiteruKimi kara moratta karenai hana ga
Shinjiru koto mo kowagaranai kurai
Tsuyoku nareta kara…

Kimi ni aete ureshikatta…
Tsunaida te ga hokoridatta
Ima wa betsubetsu no sora miagete itemo
Hora arukeru… hitori demo…

Kanashii toki hodo warau watashi o
Nani mo iwanai de daite kureta ne
Koori tsuita douaga sotto hiraku you na
Sonna kigashita yo…

Kimi ni aete ureshikatta…
Kodoku sae mo wakachi aeta
Ima mo kono sora no shita tsunagatte iru to
Sou omoeru… hanarete mo…

Arigato mo ienakatta…
Yakusoku sae dekinakatta
Dakedo ano hi to onaji kaze ga fuitara
Mata kanarazu… aeru yo ne…

Kimi ni aete ureshikatta…
Tsunaida te ga hokoridatta
Ima wa betsubetsu no sora miagete itemo
Hora arukeru… hitori demo…

Here’s the english translation:
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Literary Works

Enjoy reading these posts. They’re really interesting. I had to do this just in case I lose some files.

Voice

Can thou hear thy voice that sings of harmony?Thy voice that sings thru subtle telepathy,
Thy thought stirs away One’s entire plight,
To stand One’s ground and staunchly fight…

Only with thy gentle voice,
A lonely heart is keenly hoist,
Nay, only with thy stare thou kindle,
The winds to calm and remain so subtle…

Thy hand lifts all hurt away,
Colors all that’s dull and gray,
Thought of thee is all One’s state,
That most of thou is kindness innate…

Thou art an angel of righteous descent,
One chosen amongst others and heaven sent,
All ruptured wounds, from mislaid reel,
Thy divine hands grant to heal…

One shall be thy noble fighter,
One thou could hope to battle another,
One could aid like none further,
One whose wounds thou could make better…

And when One goes weary from all One’s battles,
Thy voice gives relief and frees from hassle,
And when all is gone and all hope is lost,
One shall still heave through fire or frost…

And if One shall stand alone against an army,
With Heaven’s resolve and thy sentry,
One shall seek all retribution amidst austerity,
Even if it means demise proposed inevitability…

As the day ends and night falls,
As bright sun sets, and vivid moon hauls,
As One sleep from One’s troubles wake,
One thinks of thee and thy fine sake…

So many things thou ever should see,
So many choices falling on thee,
Should it be thy destiny,
All thy thoughts and hopes set free…

Parting is such sweet sorrow,
To think of thee is One’s heart’s marrow,
Thy radiance lights the evening sky,
These One say, One dares not lie…
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Losing Valiantly

I have always looked at debating in a “Naruto” perspective, wherein the underdog often gets the upperhand. Here’s how the Naruto perspective affected me in several tourneys.

NDC

Our team ranked the 5th lowest. Wow. I don’t really know what to say about that. To think that I had my hopes up of breaking, well, not really breaking, I just had my hopes up of making an image. The experience in Baguio was fine, save that little incident we had with GC Suzy. But along with Baguio’s cold condition came that frozen feeling of being stuck in a place where you can’t really make a name out of yourself, not for your teammate, not for your Debate Society, not for your University. I guess I just wasted money, time and destroyed an unstained reputation meter I had with some people. (more…)

Strangely Meaningless

BBC reports of emos being attacked in Mexico. Well, quite frankly, I think that violence should be used for a meaningful purpose. What I saw in BBC gave me a myriad of emotions.

In a way, it felt nice to see the youth fighting for what they believe in.Despite the wierd physical appearances that I loathe, I started looking beyond that. i saw that they were there, the emo, standing for what they believed in. That was all that I felt until all of a sudden, the news reporter announced that they don’t really want to change the world, they were actually fighting for the right to be emotional. Not really punks rallying in an establishment, rather, “young people drawn to a life that puts the individual first”.

WTF?! That’s just B*llsh*t!

They could be emotional, but do they have to block traffic and all that just to get heard? They are already recognized in mexico, in the Philippines, and wherever! What else do they want?

I thought all along that they were fighting against some corrupt government official, or for better educational facilities. I thought wrong. Way wrong. According to one of the morons: “Emos let their emotions take over them. We’re not just depressives like others say.” They say that emos are being discriminated by punks, and gothics. Now for me, that’s just sick. To think that the emos have brought upon themselves to the level of violence? Well, not on their own alone, but with the help of their fellow punks and gothic boneheads. Why do they have to be in both physical and ideological conflict? According to a punk idiot: I”don’t like emos because they want to look like punks and goths… Those cultures are much more important thant emo, and they don’t know anything about that.”

Quite frankly, I’d like to kick this guy’s balls. Emotional hardcore came from Goths, which evolved from punk rock. Someone tell this guy how emo came from them.

 Word to the punks and emos:

What?! Can’t look your children in the eye?

Emo: The wrist-slitting culture

I was scrolling through some High School Friends when I noticed a caption under a pic that read:

 ”Wala akong Kwenta, Magpapakamatay na ako.. Ganun ba talaga ang emo?”

My answer to that is… YES. Why??

Okey, so we’ve heard of emo. It’s had its share of attention for the past few years. It’s also had its share of acceptances, criticsms, and contradictions. But for us to digest how emo works as a generally accepted ideology (if it is an ideology, in the first place), and how I think its doctrines would bring damnation to the Youth segment of the Philippine Society, we have to ask ourselves: What is emo?

Firstly, emo is a fashion statement. We see emos sporting black shirts with pitiful statements on them (by pitiful, i mean the remarks on the tshirt, not a crime against fashion), tight fitting jeans that may cause for genital cancer (^_^), and that oh so popular one sided look. Also, they have eyeliners, spiked wristbands and a glazed look in the eyes. To put it simply, emos are easily spotted in the Philippines, and their outfit is loathing to conservatists (duh?) and to the Philippine youth’s image to the international community (I’ll explain later).

Secondly, emo is a genre. No, not only a genre of songs, rather, of everything. Books, literature, fashion sense, movies. “Emoism” has become some sort of channel/ avenue through which frustrations, sadness and other emotions experienced by hormonally struck teens is manifested. Just let it all out through sadness and sorrow.. It’s all about the glamour. There’s no sense in living anyway… (more…)